Santa, Baby: A Short & Sexy XXXmas Story
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Dirty Sex jokes

  

72 Jokes

205 like 5 dislike
3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"
127 like 5 dislike
A girl asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said "you should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue!"
98 like 5 dislike
The teacher asked Timmy why he brought his cat to school. Timmy replied "Because my dad told my mom he's going to eat that pussy when the kids go to school. I'm trying to save the cat!"
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edited by The Joker
75 like 5 dislike
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex. Will you?
I want to throw $1000 on the floor and by the time you are done picking it up I'll be done." The secretary asks her boyfriend if it's alright and he says yes but to make sure she picks it up fast so there's no time for him to undress. The secretary agrees to the deal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend rings and says "have you got it?" She says "he used coins so I'm still fucking picking them up!"
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59 like 6 dislike
Boy: How do you spell "Me"?
Girl: M-E
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There's no D in me.
Boy: There will be when my dick's inside you!
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51 like 5 dislike
A little boy asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The dad says "yes, but don't look down." So the boy is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is. The dad replies it's a snake.

Then the boy asks if he can take a shower with his mom. She says "yes, but don't look up or down." They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is. The mom replies they're her headlights. Then he looks down and asks what it is. She says it's her bush.

Then the boy asks if he can sleep with his parents. They reply "yes, but don't look down." He is in bed and then looks down and yells "mommy, turn on your headlights. The snake is going into the bush!"
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53 like 7 dislike
There was a little boy and girl playing behind the shed. The little boy asks the girl, "can I see your pussy?"  The girl was shocked at the question but she was also a very horny girl. "Yeah, sure!" She said. She pulled down her panties and the boy was about to touch it until his mom came and said, "Stop!! Come here now!" That night the boys mom said, "Don't you go around messing with girls pussys." The boy asked why.
"Because the have teeth in there and they're waiting for a punk like you to fall for it." Growing up, the boy believed what his mom had said. On his hunny moon his wife said, "Are we going to have sex?"
"No."  Said the boy
"Why not?" Asked his wife
"Because you have teeth in there."
"No I don't. I'll show you." His wife took of her panties and showed him.  
"No wonder you have no teeth. Look at the shape your gums are in."
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45 like 4 dislike
So there is a little brother and a older sister. The little brother asks if he can take a shower with his sister. She says yes but do not touch me. So they are in the shower and the brother asks if he can touch her belly button. She says yes but only with your finger. Then the lights go out and the sister yells that isn't my belly button and the brother says that isn't my finger.
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44 like 4 dislike
A girl says to her guy "tonight when we have sex we'll be on the top bunk and my brother will be at the bottom thinking we're making sandwiches. Our secret code is that cheese means harder and tomato means further." Later that night the girl's shouting "Cheese! Cheese! Tomato! Tomato!" The brother shouts "stop making sandwiches! You're spilling mayo all over my bed!"
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43 like 4 dislike
How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't fuck with it!
40 like 4 dislike
Two old ladies were walking down the sidewalk and saw two people having sex on the lawn of a nice big house. This upset the two ladies so they went up and tapped on the door. A lady opened the door and asked if she could help them. They pointed at the couple and asked if she knew they were fucking on the front lawn. She said "yes. This is a whore house and today we're having a yard sale!"
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edited by MC Hacker
39 like 6 dislike
Texting:
Boy: do you fuck
Girl: excuse me?
Boy: do you fuck
Girl: stop it perv!
Boy: stupid autocorrect I'm so sorry!
Girl: ok I'm sorry too what did you mean to say?
Boy: do you suck ;)
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edited by MC Hacker
33 like 5 dislike
A boy and a girl walk past each other on the sidewalk.

Boy (pointing between her legs): Can you give me that pussy?
Girl (pulling up her skirt): Yeah, I'd be happy to do that for you.
Boy: Ew, gross!

The girl looks down and notices a cat between her legs.
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27 like 0 dislike
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
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30 like 4 dislike
Little Johnny and Little Eve are in Sunday School together. Eve always falls asleep but only Johnny knows. One day the teacher asks Eve "who is our creator?" Eve was asleep when Johnny was sitting behind her and he shoved his dick up her ass. Eve yells "Lord Jesus!"
"Yes Eve. That's right."

Then later Johnny thought Eve fell asleep again. The Sunday School teacher walks over and says "what did Eve say when she had her twelfth child?" Johnny shoved his dick up Eve's ass again. Eve yelled "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"
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23 like 0 dislike
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need the Xbox one! I need a Xbox one!"
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22 like 0 dislike
What is the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass you're in definitely!
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22 like 0 dislike
A lady sat in front of a man who was eating peanuts in a bus.

Man: Hey lady! Do you want my penis in ya mouth?
Lady: Excuse me! You are perverted!
Man: What? I asked if you want me to put peanuts in your mouth because your shirt says "I Love Peanuts."
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
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20 like 0 dislike
How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
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20 like 0 dislike
Boy: Babe, want to know what I like in a woman?
Girl: What?
Boy: My dick!
Girl: Well, then. I am your woman!
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17 like 0 dislike
What did the blonde do when she ran into a Pole?
She sucked him off!
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16 like 0 dislike
Mom: Darling, today me and your daddy are gonna make hot dogs for dinner.
Daughter: Oh, great mom. I wanna eat it with everything on it.
Mom: But... ok, fine. Just don't stir mayo on it cuz your daddy gonna get mad.
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15 like 0 dislike
What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
15 like 0 dislike
A guy and his wife are about to have sex when a bee flies into the room. Just as she opens her legs, the bee flies into her pussy and gets stuck. So her husband drives her to the hospital.

The doctor says to the guy, "I have a plan but I'll only do it if you agree to it."
The guy says "OK, as long as she is safe."

So the doctor puts some honey on his dick and sticks it into her pussy. The guy asks "why are you doing that?" The doctor replies "the bee will come to my dick and when it lands, I will pull it out slowly."

"It's not coming. I better go deeper!" The doctor went deeper and deeper. He began shafting the woman hard and seemed to be enjoying himself. The woman began to cry loudly, "AHH OHH AHH OHH MOTHER FUCKER! THANK YOU!" The doctor started fucking her like crazy. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT!?" roared the husband. The doctor replied, "Changed my mind. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!!"
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edited by MC Hacker
14 like 0 dislike
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
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Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
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13 like 0 dislike
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
12 like 0 dislike
There was a girl that walked into a doctor's office. He is awed by her beauty so he tells her to take off her pants. He starts to rub her thighs and then asks "do you know what I'm doing?" She said "checking for abnormality." He ripped off her shirt and bra and started to feel her up. He asked "do you know what I'm doing?" She said "checking for cancer." He asked her to take off her panties and started to fuck her hard. He asked "do you know what I'm doing?" She said "yep, getting HIV. That's why I came here in the first place!"
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a guy is in a bar, a blonde walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink, he asked, "Have you ever had a budgie on your right shoulder?"
She says, "No, why?"
He asked her have you had a parrot on your left shoulder?"
She says "No, what are you getting at here?"
He says to her looking her in the eyes with a smile on his face, "Arh but I bet you have had a Cock-Or-Two in your mouth before."
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12 like 0 dislike
Pussies are like the weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside.
11 like 0 dislike
Mom: Honey, me and daddy are going to make a cake sometime.
Son: Don't tell me when.
Mom: OK, I won't.
Son: Mom, did you and daddy make a cake last night?
Mom: Ya, how'd you know?
Son: I licked the frosting off the couch.
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11 like 0 dislike
Baby, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records... Then the librarian kicked me out.
9 like 0 dislike
How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them!
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8 like 0 dislike
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
8 like 0 dislike
Why can't a slut count to 70
Coz 69 is a mouthful!
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A couple were having sex in their bedroom. Then a bee flew in through the window and into the man's dick. His dutiful wife frantically drove him to the hospital.

The wife told the doctor what happened. The woman doctor replies "I have a solution if you will agree to it." "OK, as long as he is safe" the wife anxiously replies. The doctor told the man to rub his dick all over her face and he did. She took hold of his hard dick and started going down on him furiously. The bee flew out of his dick, down her her blouse and finally into her pussy. The man ripped her clothes off and started sucking her pussy. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT!?" roared his wife. The husband replied "I need to get that sweet honey!!!"
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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full"
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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A man asks his daughter who fucked you and made you pregnant?
Daughter: Dad, if you eat different bananas daily then can you tell who made you fat?
Dad: Sure, I would if I got to taste the banana eater's pussy!
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What did the cock say to the pussy when it went inside?
Why is it so dark in here?
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“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.” 

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4 like 0 dislike
Boy: how do you spell me
Girl: m e
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: theres no d in me
Boy: there will be when i get my dick in you
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Why is anal sex never funny?
Because it's the butt of the joke.
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A couple just finished having oral sex and it was great for both of them. Later on, the guy says "I'm feeling pretty horny, got any Viagra left?" The woman scowls and replies "if I did, there wouldn't be any semen in my stomach right now!"
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How many times does 1 go into 0?
69
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A pussy is like a garage... A dick is always driving in and out of it!
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Why is a man so smart during sex?
Because he is plugged into a fucking know-it-all!
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Boy: I'll tell you a joke about my penis. Wait, I won't because it's too long.
Girl: I'll tell you a joke about my pussy. Wait, I won't because you won't get it.
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A female model walks into a stripper clud and sees a crowd of girls standing around a nerd.He was a genius.He was charging money to tell these sexy naked women what they were doing wrong during sex ,but in order to do that he had to have sex with them .Finally it was the turn of the supermodel so they had sex and when he asked for her money he ended up paying her cuz she was actually a pro fucker!!!
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Why does the easter bunny hide its eggs?
Because it doesn't want people to know it's been fuckin with a rooster.
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The differants between fries and my dick ? Nothing they both go in your mouth
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A hunting couple catch a deer one day and serve it to their kids. But they don't tell their kids what kind of meat it is. When they serve it to their kids the son asks "What kind of meat is this, mother?" She replies "it's what I say to your father a lot." The girl takes a bite and says "Yummy, this is the best FUCK ME HARDER! I've ever tasted!"
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I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a tampon is from.
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What do you call a male bird?
A cock-a-two!
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A girl is at school and a boy starts touching ner pussy and she says dont and later he started touching her tits and said stop Later on he started touching both so she said dont stop dont stop She told her mother and she asked er what did you say? And she answered dont stop
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what did the dick say to the pussy... too many spiderwebs!
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A girl is crying. "What's wrong?" Asked a little boy. "My parents are divorced. " she says. "That's ok, mine are too." He answers. "Maybe they could date and get to know each other so then we would both have parents again!" The girl said. "What's your mom like?" Asks the boy. "She sucks, but charges. "
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Sally's mom greets her after school and says, "Hello dear, how was school today." Sally smiles and replies, "Amazing, Billy showed my his penis." The mom is shocked, because she knows Sally is old enough to look at a penis, but not to suck it. Before the mother can reply, Sally says, "It was like a peanut." The mother is a little more releaved, and says, "Small was it." Sally says, "No, it was salty. I like it because it made history class less boring." The mother than faints.

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One day a little girl asks her dad what's this? He answers, a bird. Then she asks, what's this? He said, it's nest .Then she asks, what's this? He said it's eggs. Then one day when her father was sleeping, the next thing he knew he was in the hospital. He asked his daughter, what happend. I played with the bird, it spit at me , so I broke it's neck, smashed the eggs, and burned it's nest.
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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said. “So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”
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After a few drinks they realize their wedding anniversaries are on the same day. The poor guy turns to the rich guy and says. "Well what did you get your wife?" The rich man proudly states "I got her a diamond necklace and a new Mercedes Benz, if she doesn't like the necklace she can take it back in her new Mercedes Benz." The poor guys says "aww man that's nice." But doesn't reply. After a couple more drinks the rich guy asks the poor guy. "Well what did you get your wife?" The poor guy swirls his drink and says "well, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
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The New York Rangers signed Joey Buttafouco. They wanted to get a guy who could score after the first period. (some people are too young to get this joke. The married Buttafouco had an affair with young Amy Fischer. She shot his wife.)
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A Chinese couple had a black baby. They named him Sum Sing Wong
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How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they go.
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What did the lesbian say to the bisexual?

If it tastes like chicken keep on licking but if it tastes like trout GET THE FUCK OUT!
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What's the difference between a woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb
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What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face?

"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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What do virgins and balloons both have in common?

One prick and they are done for.
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"'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Twat did you say? I cunt hear you!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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This lady's boss asked to have we but she said no. So he said I'll through $1000 on the floor and by the you pick it up I'll be done. She said yes so later that day the lady went to his office and the had sex. When she got home her husband asked her what took her so long and she replies. " that fucking bastard he used coins!!!"
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sex sex sex...
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