Santa, Baby: A Short & Sexy XXXmas Story
Yo Mama So Hot

Bare Neccessities
Bare it all babe

Amiclubwear Sexy Swimsuits
Go with the flow


Dirty Sex jokes

  

54 Jokes

161 like 0 dislike
3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"
98 like 0 dislike
A girl asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said "you should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue!"
68 like 0 dislike
The teacher asked Timmy why he brought his cat to school. Timmy replied "Because my dad told my mom he's going to eat that pussy when the kids go to school. I'm trying to save the cat!"
Shared by The Joker
edited by The Joker
50 like 0 dislike
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex. Will you?
I want to throw $1000 on the floor and by the time you are done picking it up I'll be done." The secretary asks her boyfriend if it's alright and he says yes but to make sure she picks it up fast so there's no time for him to undress. The secretary agrees to the deal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend rings and says "have you got it?" She says "he used coins so I'm still fucking picking them up!"
Shared by a contributor
38 like 0 dislike
Boy: How do you spell "Me"?
Girl: M-E
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There's no D in me.
Boy: There will be when my dick's inside you!
Shared by a contributor
30 like 0 dislike
There was a little boy and girl playing behind the shed. The little boy asks the girl, "can I see your pussy?"  The girl was shocked at the question but she was also a very horny girl. "Yeah, sure!" She said. She pulled down her panties and the boy was about to touch it until his mom came and said, "Stop!! Come here now!" That night the boys mom said, "Don't you go around messing with girls pussys." The boy asked why.
"Because the have teeth in there and they're waiting for a punk like you to fall for it." Growing up, the boy believed what his mom had said. On his hunny moon his wife said, "Are we going to have sex?"
"No."  Said the boy
"Why not?" Asked his wife
"Because you have teeth in there."
"No I don't. I'll show you." His wife took of her panties and showed him.  
"No wonder you have no teeth. Look at the shape your gums are in."
Shared by a contributor
29 like 0 dislike
A girl says to her guy "tonight when we have sex we'll be on the top bunk and my brother will be at the bottom thinking we're making sandwiches. Our secret code is that cheese means harder and tomato means further." Later that night the girl's shouting "Cheese! Cheese! Tomato! Tomato!" The brother shouts "stop making sandwiches! You're spilling mayo all over my bed!"
Shared by a contributor
28 like 0 dislike
Two old ladies were walking down the sidewalk and saw two people having sex on the lawn of a nice big house. This upset the two ladies so they went up and tapped on the door. A lady opened the door and asked if she could help them. They pointed at the couple and asked if she knew they were fucking on the front lawn. She said "yes. This is a whore house and today we're having a yard sale!"
Shared by a contributor
edited by MC Hacker
27 like 0 dislike
How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't fuck with it!
27 like 0 dislike
A little boy asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The dad says "yes, but don't look down." So the boy is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is. The dad replies it's a snake.

Then the boy asks if he can take a shower with his mom. She says "yes, but don't look up or down." They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is. The mom replies they're her headlights. Then he looks down and asks what it is. She says it's her bush.

Then the boy asks if he can sleep with his parents. They reply "yes, but don't look down." He is in bed and then looks down and yells "mommy, turn on your headlights. The snake is going into the bush!"
Shared by a contributor
26 like 0 dislike
So there is a little brother and a older sister. The little brother asks if he can take a shower with his sister. She says yes but do not touch me. So they are in the shower and the brother asks if he can touch her belly button. She says yes but only with your finger. Then the lights go out and the sister yells that isn't my belly button and the brother says that isn't my finger.
Shared by a contributor
25 like 0 dislike
Texting:
Boy: do you fuck
Girl: excuse me?
Boy: do you fuck
Girl: stop it perv!
Boy: stupid autocorrect I'm so sorry!
Girl: ok I'm sorry too what did you mean to say?
Boy: do you suck ;)
Shared by a contributor
edited by MC Hacker
17 like 0 dislike
Boy: Babe, want to know what I like in a woman?
Girl: What?
Boy: My dick!
Girl: Well, then. I am your woman!
Shared by a contributor
17 like 0 dislike
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need the Xbox one! I need a Xbox one!"
Shared by a contributor
16 like 0 dislike
How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
Shared by a contributor
15 like 0 dislike
Little Johnny and Little Eve are in Sunday School together. Eve always falls asleep but only Johnny knows. One day the teacher asks Eve "who is our creator?" Eve was asleep when Johnny was sitting behind her and he shoved his dick up her ass. Eve yells "Lord Jesus!"
"Yes Eve. That's right."

Then later Johnny thought Eve fell asleep again. The Sunday School teacher walks over and says "what did Eve say when she had her twelfth child?" Johnny shoved his dick up Eve's ass again. Eve yelled "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"
Shared by a contributor
15 like 0 dislike
A lady sat in front of a man who was eating peanuts in a bus.

Man: Hey lady! Do you want my penis in ya mouth?
Lady: Excuse me! You are perverted!
Man: What? I asked if you want me to put peanuts in your mouth because your shirt says "I Love Peanuts."
Shared by a contributor
14 like 0 dislike
A guy and his wife are about to have sex when a bee flies into the room. Just as she opens her legs, the bee flies into her pussy and gets stuck. So her husband drives her to the hospital.

The doctor says to the guy, "I have a plan but I'll only do it if you agree to it."
The guy says "OK, as long as she is safe."

So the doctor puts some honey on his dick and sticks it into her pussy. The guy asks "why are you doing that?" The doctor replies "the bee will come to my dick and when it lands, I will pull it out slowly."

"It's not coming. I better go deeper!" The doctor went deeper and deeper. He began shafting the woman hard and seemed to be enjoying himself. The woman began to cry loudly, "AHH OHH AHH OHH MOTHER FUCKER! THANK YOU!" The doctor started fucking her like crazy. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT!?" roared the husband. The doctor replied, "Changed my mind. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!!"
Shared by a contributor
edited by MC Hacker
13 like 0 dislike
What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
13 like 0 dislike
What is the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass you're in definitely!
Shared by a contributor
13 like 0 dislike
A boy and a girl walk past each other on the sidewalk.

Boy (pointing between her legs): Can you give me that pussy?
Girl (pulling up her skirt): Yeah, I'd be happy to do that for you.
Boy: Ew, gross!

The girl looks down and notices a cat between her legs.
Shared by a contributor
12 like 0 dislike
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Shared by a contributor
11 like 0 dislike
Mom: Darling, today me and your daddy are gonna make hot dogs for dinner.
Daughter: Oh, great mom. I wanna eat it with everything on it.
Mom: But... ok, fine. Just don't stir mayo on it cuz your daddy gonna get mad.
Shared by a contributor
11 like 0 dislike
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
Shared by a contributor
10 like 0 dislike
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
10 like 0 dislike
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
Shared by a contributor
9 like 0 dislike
What did the blonde do when she ran into a Pole?
She sucked him off!
Shared by a contributor
9 like 0 dislike
There was a girl that walked into a doctor's office. He is awed by her beauty so he tells her to take off her pants. He starts to rub her thighs and then asks "do you know what I'm doing?" She said "checking for abnormality." He ripped off her shirt and bra and started to feel her up. He asked "do you know what I'm doing?" She said "checking for cancer." He asked her to take off her panties and started to fuck her hard. He asked "do you know what I'm doing?" She said "yep, getting HIV. That's why I came here in the first place!"
Shared by a contributor
9 like 0 dislike
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Shared by a contributor
9 like 0 dislike
Pussies are like the weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside.
8 like 0 dislike
Mom: Honey, me and daddy are going to make a cake sometime.
Son: Don't tell me when.
Mom: OK, I won't.
Son: Mom, did you and daddy make a cake last night?
Mom: Ya, how'd you know?
Son: I licked the frosting off the couch.
Shared by a contributor
8 like 0 dislike
a guy is in a bar, a blonde walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink, he asked, "Have you ever had a budgie on your right shoulder?"
She says, "No, why?"
He asked her have you had a parrot on your left shoulder?"
She says "No, what are you getting at here?"
He says to her looking her in the eyes with a smile on his face, "Arh but I bet you have had a Cock-Or-Two in your mouth before."
Shared by a contributor
7 like 0 dislike
How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them!
Shared by JustMe
edited by JustMe
7 like 0 dislike
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
7 like 0 dislike
Why can't a slut count to 70
Coz 69 is a mouthful!
Shared by a contributor
7 like 0 dislike
Baby, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records... Then the librarian kicked me out.
6 like 0 dislike
A couple were having sex in their bedroom. Then a bee flew in through the window and into the man's dick. His dutiful wife frantically drove him to the hospital.

The wife told the doctor what happened. The woman doctor replies "I have a solution if you will agree to it." "OK, as long as he is safe" the wife anxiously replies. The doctor told the man to rub his dick all over her face and he did. She took hold of his hard dick and started going down on him furiously. The bee flew out of his dick, down her her blouse and finally into her pussy. The man ripped her clothes off and started sucking her pussy. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT!?" roared his wife. The husband replied "I need to get that sweet honey!!!"
Shared by a contributor
edited by a contributor
4 like 0 dislike
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full"
Shared by a contributor
3 like 0 dislike
A man asks his daughter who fucked you and made you pregnant?
Daughter: Dad, if you eat different bananas daily then can you tell who made you fat?
Dad: Sure, I would if I got to taste the banana eater's pussy!
Shared by a contributor
2 like 0 dislike
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Shared by a contributor
2 like 0 dislike
Boy: how do you spell me
Girl: m e
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: theres no d in me
Boy: there will be when i get my dick in you
Shared by a contributor
2 like 0 dislike
nseHey girl did you like it?

What?

Did you like it?
 

LIKE WHAT?

IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT THEN LICK IT CAUSE IT'S DELCIOUS.
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
What do you call a male bird?
A cock-a-two!
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
Why is anal sex never funny?
Because it's the butt of the joke.
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
A couple just finished having oral sex and it was great for both of them. Later on, the guy says "I'm feeling pretty horny, got any Viagra left?" The woman scowls and replies "if I did, there wouldn't be any semen in my stomach right now!"
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
How many times does 1 go into 0?
69
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
What did the cock say to the pussy when it went inside?
Why is it so dark in here?
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
A pussy is like a garage... A dick is always driving in and out of it!
Shared by a contributor
1 like 0 dislike
Boy: I'll tell you a joke about my penis. Wait, I won't because it's too long.
Girl: I'll tell you a joke about my pussy. Wait, I won't because you won't get it.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
A girl is at school and a boy starts touching ner pussy and she says dont and later he started touching her tits and said stop Later on he started touching both so she said dont stop dont stop She told her mother and she asked er what did you say? And she answered dont stop
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
what did the dick say to the pussy... too many spiderwebs!
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, Im going in.
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike
A little boy was playing a game with his friends. Then they all left when he was not looking. When the boy cout up to them, they where looking a girl having a shower. He ternd a way. His frieds ask why? He said that his mom told him if he saw a naked girl he would tern to stone. Then he said I felt part of me go hard
Shared by a contributor
0 like 0 dislike

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.” 

Shared by a contributor

Your joke

Anti-spam verification:
To avoid this verification in future, please log in or register.
Jokes contributed may be rewritten, recategorized, removed, and/or reordered for any reason. Deal with it.

Related jokes

7 jokes
Requested in Adult & Dirty by a contributor
I was gonna tell you a gay joke butt fuck it.
13 jokes
Requested in Adult & Dirty by Argo
Hey no joke im lesbian n I wanna fuck give me your number
26 jokes
Requested in Adult & Dirty by Argo
have you ever seen that clown that runs around walmart hiding from...
1 Joke
Requested in Adult & Dirty by MEl1a
A guy walks up to a pharmacy counter where a woman is filling...
2 jokes
Requested in Adult & Dirty by MC Hacker
A guy told his friend "3 bitches were making me sandwiches the...